Byron
Jones
- Multi-instrumental and founder of The Rollin
Stoned
From early in life, Byron knew what it was like to
wake up in the morning with the 'Blues' all around, the genteely
appointed town of Cheltenham where he grew up was about as
true blue as you could get outside the Monday Club. He had
an excellent record of attendance to the College ladies of
Cheltenham, so good in fact that it was thought desirable
that he learn his lessons of life elsewhere, not least by
their Mothers. He eventually ended up in Blues Incarcerated,
the infamous institute of correction modelled on the Louisiana
chain gangs and run by the notorious Crooner family. Set in
the bleak Welsh hills, this was where effete middle class
white kids were sent to acquire the credentials of a genuine
oppressed southern black's background - thought then to be
an essential qualification to perform authentic Rhythm and
Blues. Here he learnt pick a bail of cotton under the tyrannical
guidance of ruthless governor Dyslexis Crooner, known by all
the families in British Blues as 'The Godfather'. In fact
an alarm clock may have served them all better, sadly they
were rarely awake in the morning, let alone conscious of the
whereabouts of the much lamented 'Blues'
Mick
Jaguar - Lead Vocalist
Mick has had to overcome considerable handicaps in
his descent to social unacceptability. A deprived childhood
– deprived of poverty, a dysfunctional family and any kind
of an accent that did not engender a good “duffing up” any
time he ventured on to the mean streets of ‘50’s Deptford.
At least the thick lips he received in these encounters have
stood him in good stead in his later career as “old rubber
lips”
Keith
Retched - Rhythm and Lead Guitarist
Keith, even though from the other side of the tracks,
first knew Mick Jaguar when they were boys in Deptford – but
denies all knowledge of the thick lips. It is hard to equate
the angelic face of the young Keith with the ravaged satanic
visage we all know today. It has been rumoured that he possesses
a portrait of an old man in his attic that gets younger by
the day. Known as the Human Riff, Keith is the indestructible
motor of the Stoned – one that runs on lethally high octane
Rocket’n’Roll fuel that periodically he replenishes at a Swiss
clinic.
Charlie
Waits
- Drummer
Reputedly the reluctant member of the band, Charlie is happiest
when performing baroque English chamber music such as the
compositions of William Byrd (or "Parker" as he is known to
cognoscenti). But Charlie knows which side his Ciabatta is
Mozorella'd, it's his life on the road that pays for his life
as a country squire. He is the epitome of the elegant dandy,
dressing only in bespoke tailoring from Mr Byrite. When not
touring he devotes himself to raising whores on his stud farm
with his wife who is a Scalper. (Are you absolutely sure about
your facts in this biog? ED)
Bill
Wymandy
- Bass Guitarist
Bill, (Born William Berk) learned to play bass on
his Fathers' knee, the particular knee in question was attached
to his Dad's old wooden leg which he found one day while rummaging
in the attic. The resourceful young Berk fashioned the artificial
timber limb into the rudimentary instrument that he plays
to this day. The only band member to have done National Service,
he spent his time training in the Guards, earning him the
unfortunate nickname The Busby Berk. This may well explain
the hairdo and his oddly perpendicular playing posture - not
to mention his habitually 'cheerful' expression.
Mick
Waylor - Lead / Slide Guitarist
Mick was seen as the ideal replacement for Byron Jones,
given his experience working for John Mainliners Booze Busters.
History has largely ignored this shy retiring musician’s significant
contribution to the Band – in that case, so shall we.
